Sketchesaurus Rex

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Early on in our doomed friendship, Elle used to be courteous enough to ask before bringing people over to my dorm room to drink.  After asking permission, she brought two friends from back home over one night, Ashlyn and Katie.

Little did I know, these two girls would go on to become some of my closest friends in the entire world.  You probably won’t ever know much about them, though.  There’s no conflict there.  Functional relationships make such boring stories.

The second night that Ashlyn and Katie came over, Elle asked on Ashlyn’s behalf if it was alright for her to bring a friend over.  I jokingly asked if it was an attractive girl.  It wasn’t.  It was some random dude.  I should have known better, but I said, “Sure!  Bring him on over!”  At this point I was still searching for the wingman that my roommate would never be.

See Ashlyn, like every single other freshman girl in every college in the universe everywhere was in a dysfunctional relationship with her high school boyfriend back home.  It was on its last legs, but there it stood.  For a really.  Long.  Freaking.  Time.

In a low point, she and her boyfriend were separated enough for her to meet another guy.  His name was Kyle, and not the Kyle with the glass mice pipe that caught my hair on fire.  This Kyle was a different breed entirely.

He was tall and lanky.  Like so many freshman guys, he was experimenting with that patchy facial hair that any loving parent would tell their son to shave.  Seeing as how boys didn’t bring their parents to college with them, many amass truly trashy half-formed goatees and greasy looking mustaches.

I was never one to judge, though.  Even today I can’t grow any facial hair worth mentioning.  The son of a man whose upper lip I have never seen in my entire life – a testament to the resiliency of his mustache – hair only grows underneath my chin in the itchiest of areas.  I boast to my beautiful girlfriend that I’ll grow a ‘stash someday, but it’s a very empty threat.

Kyle dressed like a good ol’ boy.  Just by looking at him, I immediately knew that he wasn’t the type of guy that I would have reached out to for friendship.  As a refugee from Alabama, I tend to avoid the redneck type, though most of them are fine folks (I’m just not creative enough to come up with anything to talk to them about).

His social skills weren’t strong.  It wasn’t a good situation for someone with that problem to be in.  He was the new guy, the stranger in a room of friends who were getting closer and closer every Thursday night.  

Needless to say, Kyle didn’t know how to act.  He was a little off when we were playing beer pong, but it didn’t really show until we folded up the ping pong table.

That’s when he hijacked the music.  In my iTunes library was a cornucopia of stand up comedy albums.  They were outstanding for road trips, but obviously not party soundtracks.  Kyle disagreed.  He clicked through them one by one, quoting the ones that he recognized and chuckling at my desk at the ones unfamiliar to him.

By now he had amassed enough small transgressions to walk the line between being annoying and outright creepy.  In a move that I’m quite amazed actually worked, I offered sanctuary for the women in my bed.  It was just the standard issue dorm bottom bunk, but I had made it into a vampire cave by hanging a long blanket from the top bunk so that I didn’t have to worry about sunlight when I slept all day.  (Complementing this effort was the cardboard box that the ping pong table came in, which I had taped up over the one window in the room in a fire hazard that even my laid back RA had to acknowledge).

In the comfort of my bed, the ladies and I drunkenly began hatching a plan to ditch Kyle without calling it a night.  I don’t remember the specifics, only that it was far, far, far more elaborate than it needed to be. I think we all made up separate excuses for needing to leave suddenly.  So many beers in, we must have figured that this would be believable.

Meanwhile, Kyle recognized that the bed was too full and that it would be crossing a line (even for him) to join me and all these females in my hibernation cave.  Instead, he thought it would be funny to poke at the blanket that closed it in.  I couldn’t help but wonder how ridiculous he looked in doing this, and he was really baiting my curiosity with the strange noise he made each time he pushed on the blanket.  I crawled across people to get to the foot of the bed.  Through the bed posts, I saw his strange motion, a cobra-like half-witted karate chop accompanied by sound effects reminiscent of that old Batman TV show.

Either completely clueless, or sadly aware that we wanted him to leave, Kyle eventually parted ways from us and we reunited to go to Whataburger to discuss the strangeness of our night.

After brainstorming nicknames for the guy, we settled on Sketchesaurus Rex.  He was the king dinosaur of creepers.  To this day we still give Ashlyn a hard time about inviting people places, joking that we never know when she will bring along the next Sketchesaurus.

If this story seems cruel to poor Kyle, it wasn’t meant to be.  He gave off a really bad vibe and he made his very presence extremely uncomfortable to endure.  We weren’t mean to his face and we didn’t gossip about him behind that blanket.  Our covert communication’s sole intent was to get him out of there so that we could get late night junk food.

We never partied with him again after that night, though we exchanged tales of “Sketchesaurus Sightings” around campus.

Fate is funny.  For all I know the guy could be a billionaire by now, surrounded by a slew of beautiful women to enjoy stand up comedy CDs with.  If he is, then I feel even less guilty about lying to him so that he would get out of my dorm.

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21 thoughts on “Sketchesaurus Rex

  1. I love the nickname! Nothing like dealing with annoying/creepy people who can’t take a hint (although thankfully, for you and your friends, he eventually did). I can’t imagine how awkward it must have been enduring “the poking.” What a weirdo. Love this story!

    • Thanks! I’m not sure that he ever took the hint actually. I think we kinda fooled him into thinking that the party was over, but we were quite drunk so I’m not really sure I remember exactly how it all went down haha.

  2. underwaterraven

    I really love your writing style (I just feel like I have to say this). I just finished reading a really funny, well-written book and this post reminded me of it exactly!
    I can guess pretty well what it would feel like to be with a group of friends and have that one person that you wish would go away. I think I’d be far too embarrassed to even make the suggestion to try and get rid of them, but then again friends are for hatching plans like that 😛 The scary thing is, I can see myself having something in common with Kyle, in the form of his knowledge of stand-up comedy. I have a feeling that we’d be able to quote things together and I don’t know whether I feel a bit sick about that. And the tried-and-failed facial hair…I don’t think I could handle that (from reading The Twits too many times I’m convinced that the only purpose moustaches serve is to store bits of food for when you’re hungry. That’s not cool).

    • Thank you so much! It’s great to be compared to someone that has been published (I assume- you didn’t tell me what the book was called or who wrote it!).

      Don’t be so hard on yourself over the stand up comedy stuff. Most college kids got into some comedians when I was in school. What made Kyle weird was the way he muttered along with the comedy CDs alone in the corner after killing the music at the party.

      On a side note – most gatherings of medium to large size feature someone who shoves other people out of the way to hijack the music. Don’t be that person. Nobody likes that person. Oh and the more certain this person is of the superiority of their taste in music, the worst their taste in music actually is.

      As for facial hair mistakes, I’m not sure if it’s a cultural problem that only a affects us over here in the colonies or if it’s a scientific fact of male adolescence. I suggest you play it safe and prepare to see lots of people wrongly assuming that they can pull off a goatee when you go to University next year.

      Thanks again for reading and commenting!

      • underwaterraven

        It was One Day by David Nicholls 🙂 his other two books I found very funny so I thought I’d give it a try.
        That DOES sound rather creepy. I think I’d be far too self-conscious to sit by myself and mumble along to comedy (although that is something I’d do alone…and I don’t know whether that’s worse).

      • I think that the only thing that makes people weird is when they don’t realize what makes them weird. Tons of people talk to themselves, but it’s not a weird thing to do until you stop caring whether or not people notice.

        Weirdness can be cool too, if you own it in the right way. Look at any celebrity. Most of them were mocked for being weird their entire lives up until they became famous. You just gotta own it.

  3. Sadly, I have experienced this “sketchesaurus” role before. Ooooooo – WEEE! it was not fun. The scene, the stares, hahaha, the amount of ‘inebriated’ anger? (Nothing physical, but damn was it sad and depressing.

    Awesome story. Thanks for sharing this one.

    Funny.

  4. Haha, alright alright, lend me your ears.

    It was the typical Saturday evening, looking to enjoy the warm air of the spring scene of the Sandhill city (where the college is located) and party with a crowd that was living off campus. WELL, I thought I was going to a spot where a few of the suite mates were going (wrong). I rode with a dude from a class and few of his friends to the house. We get there, homeboy from class dipped on me instantly. I was in this house of Lacrosse players and a few baseball guys (more like a party for the athletes of the school).

    But anyways, I make my way in, the weirdest looks and stares EVER. (funny to think about now) Cruising around the place to find the fridge (YES, kitchen area, ‘im up in there’) The place is packed out with flip cup and beer pong in ALMOST every room of this place. (still receiving heavy stares)

    I “excuse me” my way into the den/loving room area where the music was and this large table of beer pong competition was taking place. Just observing at this point, I see this fitness bicycle with one leg to it – I post up.

    More people start to show up, the place starts to get warm, and what do I do? I began my adventure of “one leg biking” (remind you, this bike was sort of a throwback, and when you pedaled, it created a significant amount of air flow)

    So my fat ass was in this corner, making A LOT of noise, pedaling this one legged fitness bike all while the nights entertainment was probably referring to me as the fat dude on the bike……

    After looking back at it, there were people coming around the corner just to ‘peek at the game’.

    This may not have been a sketchesaurus finest, but your story reminded me of this semi-inebriated incident of drunken fat-man fitness.

    “All I wanted to do was play, coach”.

    • Dude that was great! I’m so glad I asked for the full story! It sounds like you were aware of the stares so you just doubled down on the awkward.

      One of my regrets in college was that I always wanted to just show up to a random party with a bottle of rum and tell nothing but lies all night. It would have to be entirely full of people that didn’t know me for it to truly work, hence the liquor. As soon as people started asking around to see what this random was doing in their apartment, open up that bottle and pour shots until no one cares anymore and you just become part of the room. Then, start weaving the story – a whole new persona with a backstory made up on the fly. I figured the best part would be people seeing you around campus and thinking you were this totally made up person that showed up that one night.

      I never went through with it. I wish I had. It would have made for an insane story!

      • That would have been a crazy evening, and such efforts could only be done with a large campus. At the time, our ENTIRE enrollment could fit inside of a D-1 campus dorm – from what I was told. (Roughly 800 students total) As for you, you could have done this ‘probably’ a couple of times – depending on the level of intensity of your evening. HA, either way, fun times to be adventured.

  5. I’m pretty sure every girl goes to college thinking her high school boyfriend (or “hometown” as we called them back in the day) is the guy they’re destined to marry. Then there’s a frat party with a bathtub full of jungle juice and hot, older guys and more jungle juice and some kind of dare that involves both a hot guy and even more jungle juice, and no curfew, no parents, no boyfriend (because he’s hundreds of miles away at a sorority party with hot, older girls and a bathtub full of jungle juice), and it gets really complicated for a week (or a couple of days), and then there’s no hometown boyfriend anymore and still lots of jungle juice, and it’s fall, the campus is beautiful (and so are the guys), and life pretty much just goes on…as it should. =)

    • Yeah but you missed the part where they try to get back together, thinking that those things are just one time mistakes. But they aren’t one time mistakes. They happen all over again. And then so do the apologies and forgiveness. In this way, college freshmen make themselves completely miserable for the entire first semester. All the while, single guys like me (back then) go insane trying to find all of the hot single girls that the brochures promised.

      It was such a painful and depressing pattern for me to witness so many people going through. Of course it was extra painful when it was an attractive girl that I was interested in (but that’s next week’a story).

  6. This was very entertaining. I can see him, socially awkward and stabbing away at your blanket. Maybe he is related to the Stabasaurus Rex? This is what happens when too many people are named Kyle. One has to be the strange one, reminiscent of expired reptiles. This was my favorite line: “By now he had amassed enough small transgressions to walk the line between being annoying and outright creepy.” This is when you want to go, “Really???”

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