Dinosaur DAVE


Several months into Spring semester, I developed a crush on Mallory, the roommate of my fellow Area Council building representative.  She was tall with long brown hair and glasses.  She loved The Beatles and just seemed like an all around interesting girl.

For those keeping count of the number of times that I state this fact:  “Like every other freshman college girl everywhere in the entire universe, she was in a collapsing/dysfunctional relationship with her high school boyfriend who was back home/somewhere else” – I think this makes three or four.  (To anyone who goes through and tallies this up – I will send you that stupid “coupon for a six-pack of beer” thing that nobody took me up on back in my Mario Kart post).

Also, bonus points to anyone who remembers Mallory as the girl who invited the future love of my life to go to a movie with us because she was afraid I was asking her out on a date.

What started as curiosity blossomed into a sturdy little crush when she and her boyfriend back home finally broke up.  It was the first girl that I had really, really liked in several years (apologies to girls that I dated in those last two years of High School).  I knew that I needed to play it safe or else I would blow my chance with her.

Thus arose the question:  How long do you let a girl who just got out of a long-term deal sort through the break up before moving in and sweeping her off her feet?

While I contemplated the answer, a dirtbag named Dave came out of nowhere and started an on-again off-again series of hook ups that Mallory had absolutely no idea how to interpret.  Luckily, she had Brantley to ask for advice.

While a nice guy contemplates the right thing to do, a jerk will snatch the girl that he likes.  Every.  Time.

If you ever, ever, ever fill in as a “good listener” for a girl with a predilection for jerks, you will be in the friend zone hence forth forever until the end of time.  Girls who go for guys that treat them badly love to wonder aloud where all of the nice guys are.  They especially love to wonder aloud where all of the nice guys are while talking to nice guys.

Sometimes doing the right thing is a one way ticket to the friend zone.

And so I listened to Mallory complain about Dave and tried to help her make sense of his latest douche baggery.  All the while, my crush became more and more transparent and several friends noticed.

I started mocking Dave, pretending that it was to make Mallory feel better.  In all reality though, when I bent my arm awkwardly and shouted “DAVE” like a baby T-rex that fell head first down several flights of stairs – it was to make myself feel better.  It caught on a bit amongst several of our mutual friends – frustrated onlookers as Mallory tried to elicit some semblance of care or interest from DAVE.

When things were winding down with DAVE, I couldn’t hold back anymore.  I couldn’t let this window of opportunity pass me by.  I walked Mallory home from an event one night and when we were all alone and she brought up DAVE, I told her that I couldn’t listen to her complain about this guy treating her like crap anymore because I really, really liked her and thought that she deserved better (and of course I also mentioned that I could be that hypothetical guy to treat her better).  She politely, waffly declined with some sort of “not right now, maybe later” remark that put a pep in my step for the entire 30 minutes that it took for me to realize that nothing was never going to happen with this girl.

Join us Thursday to read about how Brantley sifts through the rubble of his newly broken heart while trying to maintain his kindness in the now-awkward presence of a seemingly inescapable Mallory.

14 thoughts on “Dinosaur DAVE

    • I know! And it’s some of the most basic forms of compassion that land you in the friend zone. I don’t really know how else I could’ve handled listening to her complaints in a way that wouldn’t have landed me in the friend zone. I guess I was just supposed to be rude and refuse to listen?

      Oh well. It’s a good thing that it didn’t work out.

  1. tisfortea

    As someone who’s been in the friend zone many times before, I feel your pain and look forward to your next post on Thursday! Obviously she’s crazy! 🙂

      • tisfortea

        I think everyone’s guilty of it though, I imagine that at some point you’ve blown off a “nice” girl who probably really liked you.

        In the end I still hold out hope that “nice” people eventually do come first!

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